Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the

bread.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to

reach it.

***Play On Words***

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.

Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.

Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

Once I got angry at an Italian restaurant, so I gave them a pizza my mind.

The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."

California smog test: Can UCLA?

Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel? A: Dis-gruntled.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

I know this guy who works at Sea World; but I don't think it's on porpoise...

For as long as I can remember, I've had amnesia....

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? She had her baby in the spring.

What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards

simultaneously? A receding hareline.

Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meatgrinder? He got a little behind in his work.

'Tis better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

I do hope you are having a good day "Little Flower"